A Woman's Struggle with Daily Devotionals & Quiet Time
"Alexa, play Hillsong United Radio on Spotify."
This is what I hear my husband say every morning, and our family listens to worship music as we get ready for the day. This is a nice mood-setter before the day begins, although I'm already mentally well into my day by this point - planning, prepping, stressing, etc.
Then, either while I feed our son breakfast or while my son watches Mickey Mouse Club, my husband takes his quiet time to pray, read the bible, and to sit in the Word.
He is so good about making the time to do this and starting his day off right. And like a good wife.... it makes me so angry! (BEING HONEST, NO JUDGEMENT PLEASE). Of course, I'm super proud of him for being consistent and prioritizing Jesus in his life; it's one of his best qualities and why I love him. But I honestly can't help but get frustrated by this internally. It's a human thing, maybe a little bit of jealousy or envy that he is able to mentally clear his mind and prioritize so well.
I'm not sure if this is all women/moms or just me, but I feel like my mind is going a million miles a minute as soon as I wake up (even before I wake up - actually, it's going when I go to bed!), and I have a really hard time prioritizing the things that I know matter most - quiet time and devotionals and my spiritual wellbeing. Instead, I'm too busy thinking about the work that I need to do that day, doing the dishes, cleaning the kitchen, making lists, stressing, feeding my son, cooking, etc....
So today, I couldn't help but ask my husband, "Do you even care about my spiritual growth?" (Of course, I realize this is a loaded question and not really fair, but I'm going to play the pregnancy card - I'm overly emotional these days.) He said yes, obviously, but he also said that it's not his job to make me prioritize this, and it's not his fault that I'm not doing it myself. (He also compared it to physical health and working out - he makes time to work out almost every day... I couldn't tell you the last time I worked out. UGH.) I know he's right, but I still can't help but feel a little bit abandoned.
Maybe that's because he is the one who introduced me to Jesus. Before I met my husband, I was an atheist or agnostic (not sure exactly which I was anymore), but as we were dating, he led me into a relationship with Christ - we read the Bible, we discussed questions and concerns, we went to church. It's absolutely a huge part of why I fell in love with him, and I do believe he's the reason I am a believer today (with the Holy Spirit involved, of course).
But now, we don't do much of those things together anymore. I wish that we would, but it's hard for us to both find the time to do that together. And by the end of the day after baby goes to sleep and we do finally have some time to ourselves, we're both mentally exhausted and just throw the TV on for background noise as we wind down before bed.
We do pray together and we watch church together online most Sundays, which I love. Sometimes we'll even watch God-themed TV shows or movies together, which I also love. But I'm still envious of his quiet time and his ability to prioritize that in his life. I don't know why I have such a mental block about this!
I just don't really know how to navigate this whole faith thing without him, I think. I've never done my own daily devotional time - at least not consistently and not well. I've always been a type-A planner with a million to-do items in my head at any given moment. To some degree, I wonder if my faith depends on my husband a bit - like, if he weren't here, would my faith change? Would I lose my faith completely? I also know that I cannot depend on my husband to have my faith for me - that's on me, and it's my personal relationship with Jesus that I need to work on.
I need to find a way to prioritize my spiritual health (and my physical health - cough cough, working out!), but I never seem to get this right no matter how much I plan my day out accordingly. I always let work or the house or life come first.
Please tell me I'm not the only one out there who struggles with prioritizing quiet time and devotionals and spiritual growth, despite knowing that it should be a top priority! I guess I partially just needed to vent, am partially looking for anyone who can relate, and maybe even looking for some advice... how did you change your mindset about life's priorities?!?! HELP!